Behavior As A Language (Part 1): What If Your Employee Isn't Actually Being Difficult?

Hey, Bold Soul,

There's a moment most leaders have had - and almost nobody talks about openly.

You're watching someone on your team unravel in slow motion. Maybe they've gone quiet. Maybe they've gotten sharp. Maybe they're doing just enough to get by and you can feel the distance growing no matter what you try. And somewhere between the frustration and the concern, you find yourself thinking: what happened to this person?

That question - what happened - is the right one. Most leaders just don't ask it out loud.

Instead, we categorize. Performance issue. Attitude problem. Culture fit concern. We move toward the documented conversation, the corrective action, the process that keeps us covered. And sometimes that's necessary. But it almost always skips the part that actually matters.

Here's what I've come to believe after years of working with leaders and teams: most of what we label as problem behavior is really just unmet need wearing a disguise.

Think about the employee who stopped contributing in meetings. At some point, they tried to be heard and weren't, so they stopped trying.

How about the one who suddenly needs everything in writing. Something happened that told them they weren't safe - and now they're protecting themselves the only way they know how.

And the one who resists every change. They've most likely been burned before. They gave themselves to something that didn't pan out, and they're not doing it again until they have a reason to trust.

The one who's snapping at everyone? They're out of “buffer”. Something - at work, at home, somewhere - has used up every bit of grace they had, and now it's showing.

None of this excuses the behavior. Teams still have to function and results still matter. But there is a big difference between a leader who addresses behavior to manage a situation, and a leader who addresses behavior because they genuinely want to understand the person behind it.

One approach treats the symptom. The other one aims to pull out the root.

So what do you actually do with this?

Three things worth trying before you move into corrective mode:

Pause before you decide what the behavior means. The instinct to categorize is fast - and usually incomplete. Before you land on a diagnosis, consider the question: what might this person be trying to communicate that they don't have the words for yet?

Have the real conversation - not the warning conversation. There's a version that opens with "I've noticed some things and we need to address them." And there's a version that opens with "I've noticed you carrying something lately and I wanted to check in." The person across from you knows immediately which one they're in. One signals they're in trouble. The other signals they're seen.

Read patterns, not just incidents. One sharp email might just be a hard day. Three months of pulling back, though, is a pattern - and patterns are where the real story lives.

The leaders who get this right are the ones who are willing to stay curious long enough to ask the right questions.

That's the whole thing. That's what seeing the human behind the behavior actually looks like in practice.

This is also what we dig into in this week's episode of Embrace Your Inner Boldness - Behavior as a Language, Part 1: The Leader's Lens. If you want to hear it in full, including what specific behaviors are usually trying to say and why your behavior as a leader is sending a message too - it's live now.

🎧 https://linktr.ee/becoming_bold_llc

And next week - Part 2 is for the employee. For the person who's been trying to communicate something through their behavior because saying it out loud didn't feel safe. If that's someone you know, send them next week's issue.

If this newsletter resonated and you want to go deeper, let’s connect for a free coffee chat! My Human-Centered Team Effectiveness program might be exactly what your team needs.

Keep becoming YOU!

Melissa