A Leader's Guide to the Conversation Nobody Trained You For

Abuse doesn't stay home when your people clock in. Here's what leaders and HR can do about it.

Hey, Bold Soul,

Content note before we start: this one talks about domestic violence and sexual assault. Please take care of YOURSELF as you read, and if you need support right now, the hotline numbers are at the bottom of this email.

Let's talk about a rule a lot of us grew up with at work...'leave your personal stuff at the door.' Clock in, game face on, and keep home at home. I get where it came from, and I also know it never worked. Human beings don't have a little locker in their brain where fear and trauma get stored for eight hours, and the people on our teams are carrying far more than we realize.

Here's what the numbers tell us. More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men in the U.S. have experienced violence or stalking by an intimate partner. Nearly half of women have experienced some form of contact sexual violence. Every 68 seconds, someone in this country is sexually assaulted. So if you lead nine women, statistically three of them have lived this and if you run a crew of twelve men, two of them have also. These are the people at your front desk, on your production line, and in your Monday meeting, dear soul.

And it follows them to work. In one study, 74% of employed survivors said their partner harassed them while they were on the job, and more than half missed at least three full days of work a month. Survivors lose nearly 8 million days of paid work every year, and up to 60% end up losing their jobs. Think about how many of those started as a performance problem that nobody got curious about. Big huge blind spot.

So what can leaders and HR actually DO? Here's where I'd start:

Get curious before you get corrective. When someone who's usually dialed in starts showing up late, missing deadlines, or pulling away from the team, pause before the write-up. What might be going on for this person that you can't see? Curiosity gives you a chance to respond with care instead of reacting to the behavior alone.
Open the door with what you've noticed. Try something like, "I've noticed you've been late a few times this month, and that's unusual for you. I care about how you're doing. Is anything going on that I can help with?" Then let there be silence. You're offering an invitation, and they get to decide whether to walk through it.
Listen, believe, and skip the advice. If someone opens up, "Thank you for trusting me with this" goes a LONG way. Please don't ask "why don't you just leave?" Leaving is complicated, it can be one of the most dangerous times for a survivor, and they are the expert on their own safety.
HR, check your policy. SHRM research found that 65% of companies don't have a formal workplace domestic violence policy. Does yours? A clear policy tells managers what to do, tells employees what support exists, and keeps everyone from making it up on the spot.
Train your supervisors. Your frontline leaders are the ones who see the patterns first. Give them the language, the resources, and the confidence to have the conversation, and make sure they know exactly who to call next.
Make the resources easy to find. Put your EAP, the national hotlines, and your local domestic violence agency where people can see them without asking, in the break room, the bathroom stalls, and the intranet. Some survivors can only safely look for help at work.
Build safety and flexibility into the plan. Schedule changes, screening calls at the front desk, a parking spot near the door, a walk to the car, time off for court dates... small adjustments can keep someone safe AND employed. Loop in security when a partner shows up at work, and check your state's leave laws.
Hold the person and the expectation together. Support and accountability can live in the same conversation. You can still talk about the work while adjusting how, when, and where it gets done.

Your role here is awareness, empathy, and connection to resources. The counseling belongs to trained professionals, and the decisions belong to the person living it. Your part is making sure your workplace is somewhere a person could ask for help if they needed it.

I dig deeper into all of this on this week's episode of Embrace Your Inner Boldness, "See the Human Behind the Behavior." And you can find all my free resources on my link tree: https://linktr.ee/becoming_bold_llc

We have the power to make our workplaces safer just by paying attention... and most of us aren't using it nearly enough. Let's change that, starting this week!

Keep becoming YOU!

Melissa

If you or someone you love needs support

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 or visit rainn.org
Your organization's Employee Assistance Program (EAP)
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911

Sources

A Leader's Guide to the Conversation Nobody Trained You For

Responses

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